Rae 🌃 @Raelynn@glitch.social

sorry for the toot spam, but these thoughts and feelings have been rolling around in my head for a long while and I've been trying hard to put them into words

To close this out, stop and think and maybe try remember other people struggle too? Especially if you expect others to accommodate you, being a friend is also giving the time and space to accommodate others, otherwise you're just being a selfish ass

I might be a pretty open person, but it's honestly pretty easy to lose my trust and even harder to build it back. If I feel like I can't openly be myself with you, it's exhausting, draining, an uncomfortable experience and tbh, why would I opt to even put myself through that?

Life achievement: crying in therapy because I realize there's someone in my life who actually cares how I feel and tries to understand

Extra credit: crying harder because it's starting to actually sink in that she's not going to bail on me for being crazy

Granted, I have been doing much better lately and that's largely in thanks to having someone in my life who actually takes the time to try and understand me, gives me space to process vs passing judgment on me for not living up to some mysterious standard I can never meet

Bi polar is a constant daily battle, checking in with myself and constantly knowing my brain does not always process reality correctly, that my feelings often color everything and that sometimes I need a moment because my emotional brain is hard to untangle from my rational brain

Been thinking a lot lately about the dichotomy of who gets to be a 'good' person with mental illness and who gets deemed 'crazy, messy, too much, difficult or bad' and how thin the line is between the two

I'm getting pretty tired of my (and others) behavior being hounded on and constantly watching what I say and do or otherwise I'm reminded how I acted 'isn't normal' or weird or how I'm wrong to feel a certain way, as if I'm not already constantly aware of these things

Essentially anything I want to change about myself I ask if I'm doing it for myself or if I'm only doing it because of societal pressures, not fitting what others have in they're head as 'women'. I'm my own person and I'll be dammed of I let others control my life again

Working as a waitress is making me wonder if I should change my voice again. I've been stubborn about it, I like my voice, but I constantly worry it's why I get sir'd all the damn time. I hate that we gender voices and wish cis folk wouldn't assume I'm a dude (even in full makeup and my wearing a shirt that says 'hi I have tits') because of my voice

The more we get into summer the harder it gets to tame my hair lmao

It's cool finally playing pso. I remember staring at the GameCube version in stores when I was a kid, before I had even touched an online game before, it's was just one big mystery to me. It definitely shows it's age, but it's great to unwind with some people in a super chill way

was serving food to a really rude guest (which was fine, I've dealt with belligerent customers before) but what got to me was the misgendering. suddenly my coworker shows up (and to be clear, no one I work with has mentioned the trans thing at all) and she started stressing my pronouns to the rude customer when talking to them. I just like, didn't expect it? And she was so on the ball with it I was like, stunned for a moment. Like, ya'll want to know how to be a good ally? That's fucking how

I find I super enjoy being a waitress at a pub, also had an interaction with a coworker today that left me stunned (in a really good way)

Shit, once I get over this moving bump I think I can actually like, survive on this job and go back to school like I planned :D

Am I too late for #SelfieDay?

Here's a tired and exhausted Rae for ya'll

Yk I'm not a believer in much but honestly terot really just hits it on the head so often like damn, my daily draw is pretty poignant 👀

Fuck, the swelling in my right ankle still hasn't gone all the way down and I'm starting to worry its something more serious since it's been like two weeks now